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Friday, 27 March 2009

Thursday, 26 March 2009

  • Layoffs and Lesbians

    So, I'm being laid off at the end of the month... I think. The company is struggling (we're a placement company, we get people jobs) and I was told in late January to close three deals by the end of March to avoid being let go, so far I've had two. There are three working days left this month so the chances of me getting this third deal are slim to nil, and that's just how I like it! My plan is to be terminated, collect unemployment and skip out to Colorado to look for work.

    However, the most recent position I closed this week is of significant importance to my company and therefore may compensate for my lack of a third deal. In addition to this fact we also lost a valuable employee last week and are running a lean team... I'm worried that the recent turnover coupled with my sweet deal could result in my continued employment. I NEED TO GET FIRED!! But I need to do so in an professional, humble and courteous manner.

    I haven't done a god damn thing all week, I've spent more time on the internet playing games this week than I have in years. I'm actually playing the line game on Bored.com back and forth between writing this and pretending to work. Luckily I have my own office which really blocks distractions and enables me to be uninterrupted during my marathon procrastination episodes. Speaking of episodes, I missed Heroes this past Monday, I'd better get caught up while I'm still being paid to play on the interwebs.

    I also chopped all my curly golden locks off yesterday, I had three haircuts yesterday to be exact. You see I met and tried to date a cute hair stylist a while back, things didn't work out but we've stayed friends. She is now an intern at some fancy fucking salon and needs hair dummies (she calls them hair "models") twice weekly to cut and be evaluated on. I volunteered my mane of naturally highlighted glory up to her in the name of cleanliness... homey won't get a job offer with hippie hair down past his nose... I placed my faith in her scissors and after a horribly long 30 minutes I looked like this



    Not a good look for me. My hair was a bit shorter, but you get the picture. I looked like a middle aged homosexual female talk show host, not a soon-to-be-unemployed testosterone fueled 23 year old on the prowl for both ass and employment. Naturally I tip her, exit the salon calmly and return to work with my Ellen Degeneres haircut... counting down the minutes until I'm able to get home and shave this lesbian birds nest off my dome.

    My sister then helped me with my emergency at home hair cut and afterward I went to Sport Clips to have them trim the neck and ears, generally just clean me up. The hair lady found humor in the fact that she was the third person to cut my hair that day, and was quite the looker for a late 30's early 40's hair stylist. Names Amy... I'll be back.

    Other than that my week has consisted of battling allergies daily, hitting the gym pretty hard and mentally preparing myself for my move in two weeks. I have a friend in the hospital right now with a collapsed lung, I've heard from his mother periodically with updates and plan to at least stop by the hospital (despite his mothers instructions not to [fuck you Paula]) before heading out of town. I'll keep this fucker updated on my job status, mainly because whether I keep this job or not I'll have plenty of time on my hands to update my Xanga blog.

    LATE

Monday, 23 March 2009

  • Weddings, Tattoos and Vibrators

    I had a great weekend and am looking forward to embarking on my Westward journey in two weeks.

    Friday night I bolted from work at 4:59 and had dinner with my roommate (a.k.a. Mom) then showered and went over to the ex's Mom's house. We drank some beers, watched all 5 episodes of Eastbound & Down and the movie Role Models. I only half expected it but she asked me to stay the night and I agreed, happily. We decide to sleep in her Mom's California King sized bed because her Mom was out of town and this bed is a fucking indoor trampoline disguised with pillows and a comforter. She slips under the sheets as I search for the remote, get the TV going and remove the excess pillows from the bed. I pull back the covers to find her Moms white vibrator neatly tucked into the sheets as though it was part of the daily bed making process... and I of course turned it on and tossed it to my ex. She dodges the pleasure maker which falls to the floor and hums it way underneath the bed. Highlight of my life.

    I'm not judging, I think masturbation is perfectly healthy and natural regardless of how enormous the vibrator your mom sleeps next to may be. But it is hilarious, and for the record yes I still slept in the bed.

    Saturday I was up early, grabbed some coffee then cleaned the car and pirated some music. After showering and pressing my suit I picked up Lisa and we rolled into the wedding with 1 minute to spare. Beautiful ceremony, the bride looked fantastic and I saw my best buddy in a suit for the first time. Lisa and I killed four hours with lunch and beer then hit the reception around 6:30, took advantage of the open bar by 6:33 and staked a table close but not too close to the wedding party. The brides maids and grooms men showed up nice and sauced and each couple had a dance off on their way into the reception; each to a different song with a different dance. Hilarious. Great food, great people, horrible dancing and strong drinks provided entertainment for the remainder of the evening. I ended the night at the local bar with a couple games of Big Buck Hunter and two unsuccessful attempts to bring girls home with me.

    Sunday was family day. Awoke to a nice hangover and read a few sloppy drunken text messages then showered and headed down to the country. Our Aunt showed us a picture of our Great Grandpa and Great Great Grandpa taken in Dublin, Ireland in 1912. They look quite Jewish and us McCann's are pretty fucking cheap so we've decided that our family now has some Jew in it... and that it's now ok for me to haggle for price as often as I do.
    After a hilarious lunch I headed home, picked up my sister and headed down to Trader Bob's to get some tattoos. After explaining to my sister what I was going to get she decided that she liked it and would do the same thing only smaller. The artist returned with the drawing, I loved it and told the lady that's exactly what I wanted... my sister decided to get the exact same thing, exact same size, same location. Totally cool, it's the family motto but the location I chose is one of the most painful locations to have tattooed (which Michelle didn't know and I didn't tell).
    A half hour of deep breathing, full body muscle clenching and a few profanities and I'm done. I'll have a picture up soon, the cell phone pictures don't do it justice.

    Dinner, Guinness, TV then bed. A good weekend.



Sunday, 22 March 2009

Friday, 20 March 2009

McCannSTL

  • Visit McCannSTL's Xanga Site
    • Name: Brandon
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 3/17/2009

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About Me

  • I snowboard and mountain bike as often as possible. I also enjoy beer and the ladies.

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